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GO Election Survival Guide

Three ways to make sure you make it to November 4 with your chads still dangling.

The stock market may be down, but sales of Pepto-Bismol are surely up as the most heated political season in decades comes to a close. It’s great theater, yes, but there’s not one of us who won’t be glad to see it end (save, perhaps, local TV stations). Here are GO’s three tips for surviving the stampede of elephants and donkeys.

Vote Early, and Be Done

If you know who you’re voting for, why not get it out of the way and feel that titillating sense of glee you can only get by tuning out a Peter Kinder commercial. Missouri is not a state with “early voting,” but that doesn’t mean you have to wait until Election Day. Absentee votes are still being accepted, and while you do need a specific legal reason, it’s not too hard to get around it. According to the Greene County Clerk’s office, legal excuses for absentee voting include:
• Homebound
• Out of the county the entire day on Nov. 4
• You’re employed at another polling station
• Religious reasons
• You’ll be incarcerated on November 4

We don’t suggest getting yourself arrested, but a well-timed trip to Vegas might just be in order. This could also be an incentive to actually, you know, volunteer at the polls (even though you’re sure to be the only person under the age of 65).

If you wait until November 4, it’s still a good idea to get to your polling place early. They open at 6 a.m., but county officials expect people to be lining up before that. And trust us, you don’t want to be one of those poor schmoes the news shows waiting in line after the polls close at 7.

Rock Your Vote

Need to blow off a little steam? The Front Porch, along with Randy Bacon’s Studio and Figment Art Gallery, are putting on one hell of a Rock the Vote show on November 1. Front Porch manger Ryan Wiksell and Bacon music man Justin Woods have booked a ridiculous 24 artists to rock downtown, starting at noon at the Front Porch. From 6 p.m. to midnight, both of Bacon’s venues will have shows of their own. Artists include: The Sham, The Beautiful Losers, Light Pollution, Moonhoney, Lyal Strickland, Cindy Woolf, Offset Sunset, Mincks & Miller, SaltBox, Sunshine Street, The Tall, Dark & Handsomes, Cheers, Bobby!, Sean Lea (Time of Favor), Natalie Hoffmann, Bobby Gardner, Isaac Neale, Honeylung, Liz Sapp, Improv Impaired, Erase the Pages, Danny Wood, Lance Sitton, Forever4You, Chris Aytes.

Admission is only $13 in advance (buy tickets at thecoredowntown.com) and $15 at the door for all three venues. Political presence, Wiksell says, will include a video “voting booth” where attendees can explain their positions and concerns. He says he’s trying to get representatives from both presidential campaigns to come and run tables, though he won’t invite one unless both agree to come (the GOP candidate’s campaign was, at press time, dragging its feet. Personally we would have thought McCain would LOVE SaltBox).

Throw a Watch Party

Ain’t no party like a political party—even the most contrary of Libertarians should agree on that. That’s why Tuesday, November 4, should be second only to Super Bowl Sunday for the sheer amount of people-sitting-in-front-of-TVs madness. And of course, you’ll want a sack o’ snacks (and booze).

For Republicans: Eight bags of Keebler Animal Crackers ought to suffice. They’re tasty. Best of all? Plenty of elephants, no donkeys. Ironic types will have a bowl of mixed nuts with all the acorns taken out. To drink… well, judging by recent polls a fifth of Jack might be in order.

For Democrats: Everlasting Gobstoppers. ‘Cause they CHANGE flavor, get it? Extra points if you wear a HyperColor T-shirt. To drink: Anything that comes in a blue can (Beast Light… oh yeah!).

If you go out: Try to pick a place where you can hear yourself think—if you have a pal who can get you in to Fedora’s lower level, that would be pretty smooth. If you can only find noisy places, you’re better off with a house party (with gratuitous channel flipping and Campbell Brown/Anderson Cooper catcalls).