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Food and Fireworks with Mr. Foodie

Make this the most stereotypical Independence Day ever.

Food and Fireworks with Mr. Foodie
Illustration Cassie Darst
It’s July 4, so naturally Mr. Foodie has a lot to say about Americans’ dining habits. In Springfield, parties are determined by where you live and your socio-economic standing. Don’t know your role? Here are few suggestions on how to throw a stereotypical 4th of July party:
 
“Bush sucks! I support Ron Paul and/or Dennis Kucinich and am very strident.”“I drive a hybrid, so I don’t feel too guilty about being an American.”“If I were in town, I’d go to James River Assembly of God’s ‘I Love America’ later.”*
parking lot of aluminum-siding-clad apartment building Backyard in RountreeThe lake
Parking-lot explosionsBackyard explosionsSee “version of patriotism”
Hamburgers from St. Louis St.–National Ave. Dillon’sTurkey burgersHamburgers from Harter House
GrillSmokerGas grill, aspires to Big Green Egg
Coleslaw from supermarket-deli containerHomemade horseradish coleslawBaby carrots
Macaroni pasta salad contained in plasticHomemade proscuitto pasta saladHomemade twirl pasta salad
Lay’sSea-salt pitaCape Cod potato
Hiland French OnionHummus or tapenadeRanch
Wonderbread bunsKaiser rollsSara Lee buns
Hot dogsSpicy bratsNot-spicy brats
’Markin (yellow only)Goat Mild or medium (not sharp) cheddar
Iceberg lettuceUnpronouncable mixed greensLeaf lettuce
Ben & Jerry’sPretentious desserts made by competitive foodie-liberalsHomemade ice cream (vanilla)
Beer pongMicrobrew tastingDiet Coke, perhaps Sam Adams
Bringing kidsBringing RepublicansNot bringing kids**

* More-secular version: Firefall sponsored by KY3.
**Far-right version: Bringing gay

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