Food and Fireworks with Mr. Foodie

Make this the most stereotypical Independence Day ever.

It’s July 4, so naturally Mr. Foodie has a lot to say about Americans’ dining habits. In Springfield, parties are determined by where you live and your socio-economic standing. Don’t know your role? Here are few suggestions on how to throw a stereotypical 4th of July party:

	College	20-something (Center City)	20-something (Southside)
Version of patriotism	“Bush sucks! I support Ron Paul and/or Dennis Kucinich and am very strident.”	“I drive a hybrid, so I don’t feel too guilty about being an American.”	“If I were in town, I’d go to James River Assembly of God’s ‘I Love America’ later.”*
Venue of 4th of July party	parking lot of aluminum-siding-clad apartment building	Backyard in Rountree	The lake
Fireworks	Parking-lot explosions	Backyard explosions	See “version of patriotism”
Main eats	Hamburgers from St. Louis St.–National Ave. Dillon’s	Turkey burgers	Hamburgers from Harter House
Preferred cooking device	Grill	Smoker	Gas grill, aspires to Big Green Egg
Veggie side	Coleslaw from supermarket-deli container	Homemade horseradish coleslaw	Baby carrots
Carb side	Macaroni pasta salad contained in plastic	Homemade proscuitto pasta salad	Homemade twirl pasta salad
Chips	Lay’s	Sea-salt pita	Cape Cod potato
Dip/spread	Hiland French Onion	Hummus or tapenade	Ranch
Bread product	Wonderbread buns	Kaiser rolls	Sara Lee buns
Shaped like a wiener	Hot dogs	Spicy brats	Not-spicy brats
Cheese	’Markin (yellow only)	Goat	Mild or medium (not sharp) cheddar
Greens	Iceberg lettuce	Unpronouncable mixed greens	Leaf lettuce
Dessert	Ben & Jerry’s	Pretentious desserts made by competitive foodie-liberals	Homemade ice cream (vanilla)
Socially appropriate	Beer pong	Microbrew tasting	Diet Coke, perhaps Sam Adams
Socially inappropriate	Bringing kids	Bringing Republicans	Not bringing kids**
* More-secular version: Firefall sponsored by KY3. **Far-right version: Bringing gay