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Food and Fireworks with Mr. Foodie

Make this the most stereotypical Independence Day ever.

By Gregory Holman
Food and Fireworks with Mr. Foodie
Illustration Cassie Darst
It’s July 4, so naturally Mr. Foodie has a lot to say about Americans’ dining habits. In Springfield, parties are determined by where you live and your socio-economic standing. Don’t know your role? Here are few suggestions on how to throw a stereotypical 4th of July party:
 

College

20-something (Center City)

20-something (Southside)

Version of patriotism

“Bush sucks! I support Ron Paul and/or Dennis Kucinich and am very strident.”“I drive a hybrid, so I don’t feel too guilty about being an American.”“If I were in town, I’d go to James River Assembly of God’s ‘I Love America’ later.”*

Venue of 4th of July party

parking lot of aluminum-siding-clad apartment building Backyard in RountreeThe lake

Fireworks

Parking-lot explosionsBackyard explosionsSee “version of patriotism”

Main eats

Hamburgers from St. Louis St.–National Ave. Dillon’sTurkey burgersHamburgers from Harter House

Preferred cooking device

GrillSmokerGas grill, aspires to Big Green Egg

Veggie side

Coleslaw from supermarket-deli containerHomemade horseradish coleslawBaby carrots

Carb side

Macaroni pasta salad contained in plasticHomemade proscuitto pasta saladHomemade twirl pasta salad

Chips

Lay’sSea-salt pitaCape Cod potato

Dip/spread

Hiland French OnionHummus or tapenadeRanch

Bread product

Wonderbread bunsKaiser rollsSara Lee buns

Shaped like a wiener

Hot dogsSpicy bratsNot-spicy brats

Cheese

’Markin (yellow only)Goat Mild or medium (not sharp) cheddar

Greens

Iceberg lettuceUnpronouncable mixed greensLeaf lettuce

Dessert

Ben & Jerry’sPretentious desserts made by competitive foodie-liberalsHomemade ice cream (vanilla)

Socially appropriate

Beer pongMicrobrew tastingDiet Coke, perhaps Sam Adams

Socially inappropriate

Bringing kidsBringing RepublicansNot bringing kids**

* More-secular version: Firefall sponsored by KY3.
**Far-right version: Bringing gay

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