The Answer Manatee

Several months ago, amid piles of unsolicited mail, we found a brightly colored pamphlet from the good people at the Florida-based Save the Manatee Club. For a tiny fee, you can adopt a manatee of your choosing... it's like adopting one of those Sally Struthers kids with none of the liberal guilt! Once we had our mascot, whose name is Howie, we decided to put him to work, answering questions from readers. And we know you have questions. Need relationship advice? Need to know the best place to get sushi (sorry, Howie)? Just ask. And if his answers hurt, sorry. Try getting hit by a boat.

Where are you from, Howie?
"I reside in a brand new pre-owned inlet in Blue Spring State Park in Florida. Go Gators!-the football team, not the real deal. Those suckers bite hard."

How old are you?
"You wanna get slapped? Next question."

How did you become an advice columnist?
"I was working for O: The Oprah Magazine but Gail King was a beeotch! Plus me and Oprah bumped bellies a lot around the office (very small hallways)."

We hear you once tipped a boat full of researchers. Why?
"They caught me in some very unflattering poses with another manatee who shall remain nameless. Sometimes I just want to leave all the fame and be normal!"

Who is the manatee (or other sea mammal) you most admire?
"Dolphins. They're promiscuous."

Have you ever been hit by a boat?
"Yes."

Did it hurt?
"I got hit by a boat, you idiot."

Sorry man...uh, -atee. What's your favorite movie?
"Classics like The Shawshank Redemption, Goodfellas, and Splash. Me and Daryl Hannah used to be real close, if you know what I mean. That's why they call me The Ladies' Manatee. Booh-yah!"

Who are your favorite recording artists?
"Biggie, Jay-Z, Linda Rondstadt. You know, the usuals."

What's your favorite Springfield restaurant?
"When I visit Spring-Vegas, my friends and I usually go to Haruno. Love the seaweed salad. It's manatastic! Howie, Out!"


Want to adopt your own manatee? Check out the Save the Manatee Club's website at savethemanatee.org, or call the club direct at 800-432-5646.