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Print this pageThe Worst of Springfield
Don’t worry—it’s (mostly) good-natured. We’re not going to call out hard-working individuals for what might have been a freak one-time bout of incompetence. Other things, though, are reprehensible or ridiculous enough to point out, and point them out we will.
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Worst Public Display of Christianity
“The Party Ends In Hell” crew
Our cover should say it all. The zealots who camp out most busy nights at the corner of Walnut Street and South Avenue are the most visible example of Springfield’s pervasive fundamentalist world-view. Not that the people who walk by and spit on them are any better, but a sign that says “To Marry a Divorced Woman is Adultery” is pretty much the most senseless thing ever.
Worst non-profit manager
Mickey Martin
The d-bag ex-director of the Springfield Association of the Blind was arrested last fall and charged with felony stealing. He is suspected of writing more than $25,000 in checks to himself and other non-company related entities. He was arraigned last month and has a pre-trial conference scheduled for April. Obvious “stealing from the blind” jokes aside, this man wrecked a long-standing local service for the sight-impaired. What a loser.
Worst Hot Dog Condiment
Celery salt
We love Jeff Bear and his City Dogs cart that parks in front of Ernie Biggs Piano Bar every weekend, but after trying celery salt on our frankfurter at his suggestion... well. Let’s just say we’re not fans of hot dogs that taste like Bloody Marys.
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Worst Intersection
U.S. 65 and James River Freeway
The traffic—which is bumper-to-bumper during rush hour, mostly consisting of people who wouldn’t know a yield sign if it fell out of the sky, landed on their face and started to wiggle—is only half the problem. In 2009, MoDOT will undertake a massive project to build two flyover lanes to ease congestion, a project made much harder by surrounding obstacles (at right... no easy detours here). Traffic’s gonna suck for a while, boys and girls.
Worst Place to Park
South Avenue
It may sound nice, finding a rare weekend-night spot in the middle of it all, but it’s not. The maladies that could happen are countless: Sidewalk brawl; piss-happy mutt belonging to a Front Porch visitor; vomit-prone bar-hoppers… not to mention trying to ease your car out of a too-tight parallel spot in closing-time traffic. Nope, we’ll just park elsewhere and walk, thanks.
Worst Ostrich Impression
Springfield-Branson National Airport
They’re showing signs of taking the competition from Branson’s airport (scheduled to open in May) seriously, and it is improving, with a nice slate of Allegiant Air flights and a new terminal; but for months Springfield-Branson National Airport officials wouldn’t even utter the words “Branson” and “Airport” in the same sentence… which is difficult when both words are in your own name.
Worst voter decision
Voting down 1-cent fire-police pension tax
Indignant as we are, we feel kind of guilty for not pushing this harder, but we can’t get over the shortsightedness of voters, or the mean-spirited glee many against the tax felt just for being on the winning side of something, no matter the fallout. Firefall is likely just the beginning of cuts.
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Worst Fashion Trend
Crocs
C’mon people. If you’re older than five and wearing crocs in public, you need to go buy a quality pair of sneakers. This goes for nurses, too. My ailing grandfather can have holes in his shoes. You cannot.
Worst Band Name
Dickspit
We have no idea if these guys are any good. (Just listened to ‘em on MySpace… no music. Not a good sign.) We’re pretty sure we’ll never really enjoy their brand of “rock, punk, crunk” because we can’t get past the name. Also from their MySpace: “We are all DICKSPIT!!! Products of our daddys dick spit. Now spit on a dick and sit on it. This is your BIO, and ours..EAT IT!!” Umm, can we NOT buy a T-shirt?
Worst Law
No booze in the parks
We hammer on this enough, but we’re missing out on some big golf tournaments, minor league hockey, and a host of concert opportunities because it’s illegal to buy a draft beer or crack a bottle of wine at events on parks property (even weddings). In a town strapped for money and pining for culture, it makes no sense.
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Worst Bathroom
The Outland
We dig the Outland the mostest, but we’d rather take a pee break at R. Kelly’s house in front of a camcorder. The ladies’ room is particularly unsavory.
Reader Comments:
If you're not trying to diss the innocent, I don't know how the Front Porch made it into this list, even if only as the scene of a random dog-spraying.
Seriously... How do you know the dog belonged to someone at the FroPo, and even if it did, why should we take the bad PR for it? I've seen more dogs "parked" outside the other downtown coffeehouses than in front of ours.
Otherwise... good observations.
I have a great idea. WHy dont we all use your magazine as a bathroom. Then the Outland would be a little cleaner and you might actually qualify as a legit publication. Unless you want to stay with this corny, one-step-above-high school thing you have going.
I must say it is really funny the way you call yourselves "editors" and other cute, journalizzy-type words. Cute that you learned them...
I can understand your frustration, Sharon. "GO" can be pretty snarky, and occasionally offensive. But I think your comment is a tad harsh.
Here's an idea: I know the economy sucks. I know this country is all uptight right now about a lot of things, but why doesn't everyone LIGHTEN UP? The purpose of GO, as I see it, is to have fun with Springfield. If you take everything so personally, you'll spend your life having no fun and never laughing.
The staff of GO (and especially the editor-types) work hard to bring Springfield a different side of things. You can't deny that it gets people talking.
Now, try chilling out a little and laugh. You'll feel a lot better. Trust me.
Pickle... you're definitely right. Sometimes I'm too uptight. Although at other times I tend to make a joke out of everything.
Do try to understand, though... you mentioned the economy being in the toilet. Well, it's in situations like that this that a proprietor can get very edgy about bad publicity. And in the course of a little light-hearted fun, a magazine has the power to cause an actual drop in revenue, which hurts real people in real ways.
I'm not actually worried about the Front Porch. Our mention was much too off-handed here to matter. But I don't blame some other people (even those with a good sense of humor) for being concerned.
Wow guys...take a deep breath a little bit. I'm sure most of this was meant in good humor...but if The Outland's bathroom really is dirty most of the time perhaps they should clean it?
Ryan, I get your point but I've written many times about walking downtown and the experiences I've had both good and bad. If the editor who wrote that happened to see a guy's dog washing the walk in front of FroPo, well, it's not representative of your place but just bad luck. That's the way things work sometimes...and I know you know that. I highly doubt most folks will look at that and go "geez...let's skip FroPo 'cause they're covered in Snoopy's wee wee." Now, if they come down and see a dog out front, they might high step a little getting in the door. ;)
At least Ryan I identified his connection...we can only guess if Sharon's connected to the folks with cash in The Outland.