GO Summer Movie Preview

Allergic to anything new? Try a sequel on for size.

For those of you in school, summertime spells a relaxing three-month break from the drudgery of academia. For the rest of us, it’s just the same old drudgery with slightly more agreeable weather. Either way, it’s prime time to shuttle indoors and take in a brainless movie. Every remake and sequel gets its chance to shine. Rock and roll!

Courtesy Columbia Pictures The new Spiderman changes colors when you dunk him in milk. Courtesy Ralph Nelson Steve Carell wonders what God will wear after Labor Day in Evan Almighty (June 22). Courtesy Warner Brothers Harry Potter discovers real magic on July 13. Courtesy Matt Groening Homer being Homer in The Simpsons Movie (July 27).

Spider-Man 3 (May 4)

Can you say blockbuster? They could have Tobey Maguire lay around in his PJ’s and scratch his balls for two hours and this movie would still shatter opening records. Luckily this franchise has a pretty good track record, balancing geek cool with accessibility. Oh, and Kirsten Dunst is a goddess; I’ve liked her since Interview With the Vampire, even if that is kind of creepy.

Year of the Dog (May 4)

You may say this one looks like no fun, but writer Mike White (School of Rock, Freaks and Geeks) cracks me up almost every time. Dark comedy is tough to pull off, and it’s about time the underappreciated Molly Shannon got a chance to shine—Superstar doesn’t count.

28 Weeks Later (May 11)

It may be a sequel, but 28 Days Later pulled off that hand-held camera thriller so many try but can’t pull off. So what if it’s just another zombie movie? I never get tired of cannibalism.

Shrek the Third (May 18)

Mike Myers used to be so funny. Wait, this is just a harmless kids’ movie. Ain’t I just a cloud on a sunny day?

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (May 25)

Boom! Pow! Kablooie! Who cares about the plot? This is entertainment at the most base, single-cell amoeba level possible. And usually I hate anything Jerry Bruckheimer does with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns.

Knocked Up (June 1)

This is the only major ‘original’ movie to come out this summer, starring Seth Rogen (Cal from 40 Year Old Virgin). Judd Apatow writes and directs this one, too, and the buzz is it’s going to be one of the funniest movies to come out this summer. And it ain’t no sequel!

Ocean’s Thirteen (June 8)

I think the whole world has a crush on George Clooney. He’s like Morgan Freeman’s voice, if Morgan Freeman’s voice were a handsome dude with perfect hair. I try to do the five o’clock shadow thing and just end up looking like a shifty dockworker on parole.

Evan Almighty (June 22)

Few things that don’t involve anal parasites are more irritating than Jim Carrey unhinged, and Bruce Almighty was him at his worst. So let’s make a sequel! The only thing they’re getting right this time is casting Steve Carell, whose restraint might give the film an actual laugh or three.

Transformers (July 4)

Does it make me sound old that the original Transformers movie was the first thing I ever remember seeing in the theaters? And why are the producers advertising for the new one so much on MySpace? I figured the target audience wasn’t allowed to surf that pederast party. Maybe I am ancient.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)

If you’re keeping track, this is Harry Potter installment five. What’s to say it won’t be as good? I know they’re all growing up and the series is nearing a close, but at least they’re having the good sense to end it and not pull a Saved by the Bell: The College Years. And I always thought Screech would bow out gracefully.

The Simpsons Movie (July 27)

Oh Jesus, I hope they can pull this off. Years I have dreamed of a Simpsons where the blue laws don’t apply. Whatever the outcome, people will be talking about this as the fitting exit/embarrassing conclusion to one of the best cartoon series ever.

The Bourne Ultimatum (August 3)

There are rumors that there will be shooting done for this one in Nixa, Missouri, because the main character is supposed to be from there. Nixa’s got a Brad Pitt of its own now, sort of.